Fresh white cherries are really delicious! I have a bowl of them sitting in an iced water bath right now. Once they’re chilled to the core, I’ll start devouring them.
And at $6.50 a pound, they needed to be pretty good.
June 17, 2008
I can’t quite change what cards I’m dealt with
…. but I can definitely change how I play them.
I met up with my friend Benji last night. I have not had such good quality conversation in person in a long time. I left feeling so good, so fulfilled. I think this is what Dan would be in person.
We talked a lot – so much that I came home with a sore throat, even though over the course of a normal day of tutoring I would talk even more. The three hours passed pretty quickly. We talked about our relationships, our philosophies, our experiences. I even got to talk to him about all these other people that I actually am a bit apprehensive to talk about.
It was a very cathartic experience. I really felt like I connected with him.
Upon further thought, I have further synthesized about what I really wanted to say. I’m trying to reflect that in more of my writings and story.
Took me almost four years
… but …
Jonathan Crawford, I’m finally over you. It’s really been a privilege, even though it didn’t work out.
I’d like to be friends – and I’d like to treat you right this time. Perhaps one of these days?
June 16, 2008
If I really do believe in purpose…
Then what is the purpose of Art? He’s been around a hell of a long time.
Purpose
Sometimes I really do believe in “purpose.” I think that some people come into another person’s life just to accomplish a very specific task, and then leave.
Those are the people that I want stay the most. I have spent years waiting and waiting, continuing my normal lifestyle until this person shows up. He shows up and shines brightly in my life, then all of a sudden disappears. The glimpses of beauty and potential in life is all that’s left in my world.
When I met him, I thought I would be helping him out. Maybe it was still true. Perhaps I already made a large impact. But I think that he really did a number on me. My cynicism and experience has served me well over these years, and it takes someone this special to open me up just a little bit.
I am still crossing my fingers. Such beautiful of a person cannot really disappear altogether, now can they?
June 14, 2008
June 13, 2008
24 hours
If I had 24 hours to bring someone back, I would apply what I have learned from a previous lesson. Friendships and relationships are just quite like a handful of hand. Close your hands and hold it too tightly, and it’ll slip away from your grasps. One needs to just open your arms and set them free, allowing it to nurture and blossom.
If I had 24 hours to turn back the clock, I would just take the time and thank them for the privilege of the friendship. I would tell them that no matter what happened, deep down inside I really valued and treasured every moment we spent talking, laughing, crying, or loving.
If I had 24 hours, I would deeply apologize for hurting them if I ever did, and ask for some level of comfort and forgiveness. I would hope that if we’ll both have other lives after this one, we’d be friends or lovers again, and nothing would change.
If I had 24 hours, I would not try to hide my guilt or pain. I would try to let go if I was holding too tight, and maybe grab on a little tighter if that’s what they wanted. I would do my best to put a smile on their face and warm their hearts.
If I had 24 hours, I would stop regretting and stop wondering and stop worrying.
And I would part with them with a hug and a kiss, tears flowing down my face.
More on the abadonment complex
I’ve brought up this abandonment complex thing more than once – usually I just needed to talk about it a little bit once in a while when my emotions well up. Surprisingly, having such a thought grounds me a little bit. It also helps me to explain what’s going on inside me and why I do certain actions.
As I think more and more, I am able to create a little better synthesis between the post on love and the post on my abandonment complex. I can’t quite put that to words yet what that synthesis is…. but I think it’s like the following:
When I develop my abandonment complex on that special person, I simultaneously feel the all those elements of love, jealousy, envy, lust, dependency, lust, and infatuation. But I only act on love. It’s the only one I can really act on. It’s a really delicate balance. As soon as I act on anything else, I become selfish, and have crossed a line. That line I crossed with Jonathan, but not with Art.
The abandonment complex itself is so sexy to me that I much rather be the one person that brings happiness to everyone while I sit alone in my room, tortured and ripped apart by my own emotions.
My abandonment complex is about letting go of certain things. I think only by doing that can I really develop true love as I really intend to have it.
June 12, 2008
The aforementioned abandonment complex
The moment I read a LJ post by a certain Q more than four years ago, I’ve developed an epiphany. I do have an abandonment complex.
The intimacy in which I seek is twofold: an emotional one communicated via touch, possibly sex, and the other one articulated via words. Years ago I probably would have said that I needed sex, but I now realize how much I communicate with an intimate other just via things like touch.
Trust and communication are almost fetishes for me. For without it, I cannot have the emotional connection I seek. Furthermore, I need to feel safe; and without the ability to trust someone so that I can bare my soul altogether for him, I cannot feel safe. At the same time, someone else’s trust in me is so beautiful and so pure that I cannot help but to be genuinely attracted to it. Verbal communication is the way I work – it’s the only way I understand some form of emotional connection.
I want to be able to put all my eggs in one basket for someone, and yet confident that none of them will be broken at the end of the night.
That synthesis is what I now call an abandonment complex: For that one special person (or multiple special people – I now believe that these “soulmates” is what I’m after), I am willing to bet everything I have – for some form of redemption and reciprocity. It’s so intense, and at the same time, very very sexy.
Confidence Hurts
Having confidence really hurts at times. I guess what I should say is that pretending to have confidence really hurts. Pretending to be strong really hurts. That emotion just cuts my heart to bits. But I need to be consistent – because I know what I say is what I really want out of myself – not just for my friends that I try to help
I can somehow preach, but never follow my own words. I am intelligent, but fail in effort to help myself.
It is very bittersweet to just be able to see one person that I help become successful and happy.
Somehow I am still abusive to myself emotionally in that sense. What perhaps I want is a connection with someone, help them, and then have them find their true love, leaving me behind, possibly never interacting with me again. In a way, I’m best suited for the role of that friend that is always left behind that never gets anywhere. But why the hell would I even *like* that?
I do have an abandonment complex. More on that later.
