24 hours

If I had 24 hours to bring someone back, I would apply what I have learned from a previous lesson. Friendships and relationships are just quite like a handful of hand. Close your hands and hold it too tightly, and it’ll slip away from your grasps. One needs to just open your arms and set them free, allowing it to nurture and blossom.

If I had 24 hours to turn back the clock, I would just take the time and thank them for the privilege of the friendship. I would tell them that no matter what happened, deep down inside I really valued and treasured every moment we spent talking, laughing, crying, or loving.

If I had 24 hours, I would deeply apologize for hurting them if I ever did, and ask for some level of comfort and forgiveness. I would hope that if we’ll both have other lives after this one, we’d be friends or lovers again, and nothing would change.

If I had 24 hours, I would not try to hide my guilt or pain. I would try to let go if I was holding too tight, and maybe grab on a little tighter if that’s what they wanted. I would do my best to put a smile on their face and warm their hearts.

If I had 24 hours, I would stop regretting and stop wondering and stop worrying.

And I would part with them with a hug and a kiss, tears flowing down my face.

More on the abadonment complex

I’ve brought up this abandonment complex thing more than once – usually I just needed to talk about it a little bit once in a while when my emotions well up. Surprisingly, having such a thought grounds me a little bit. It also helps me to explain what’s going on inside me and why I do certain actions.

As I think more and more, I am able to create a little better synthesis between the post on love and the post on my abandonment complex. I can’t quite put that to words yet what that synthesis is…. but I think it’s like the following:

When I develop my abandonment complex on that special person, I simultaneously feel the all those elements of love, jealousy, envy, lust, dependency, lust, and infatuation.  But I only act on love.  It’s the only one I can really act on.  It’s a really delicate balance.  As soon as I act on anything else, I become selfish, and have crossed a line.  That line I crossed with Jonathan, but not with Art.

The abandonment complex itself is so sexy to me that I much rather be the one person that brings happiness to everyone while I sit alone in my room, tortured and ripped apart by my own emotions.

My abandonment complex is about letting go of certain things.  I think only by doing that can I really develop true love as I really intend to have it.